Disclaimer: The following is a rant that I’ve had pent up in me for a little while. Don’t worry, I’m not really angry, and it’s not directed at anyone in particular. I just need to vent here, because I can’t really say these things to my Japanese friends and students who are culturally indoctrinated to believe that joking about someone’s weight is a show of affection. Hell, I tend to think the same of a rear naked choke (submission hold), but I can’t very well go around applying them to everyone I’d like to tap out, no matter how affectionate I may be feeling.
5 Things You Need to Understand Before Cracking Your Next Fat Joke:
Being overweight can be incredibly frustrating and annoying due to the constant commentary from others, like I need you to tell me that I am overweight, or that my eating habits are excessive, or that I should probably start running–like very, very long distances.
Let’s get a few things straight:
1) It never feels good to hear that you are big,
2) Changing the verbiage to soften the blow demonstrates that you are aware that you’re entering dangerous territory, so go the extra mile and, oh I don’t know, shut your stank-ass pie hole. And if you think I might be more inclined to chuckle along if you say I’m heavy, plump, chunky, round, rotund, happy, solid, getting thicker, filling out, looking healthy, or even porking out, you are pretty naive, which is only acceptable if you’re a swimsuit model, which you aren’t, so again: shut your stinkin’ pie hole.
3) Certainly, overeating is a weakness, as is not getting enough exercise. No doubt about it. But so is stupidity, lack of coordination, low self-esteem, asymmetrical bone structure, slow-wit, over-sized facial features, bad posture, poor memory, shoddy communication skills, general apathy, and a bad sense of humor. Now, we both know that it’s unacceptable for me to comment on your shortcomings in those departments every time we see each other, so why should my waistline be any different (you shallow, self-absorbed starfish). Look, I don’t wanna have to hurt your feelings periodically just to keep you in check, just to keep you from hurting mine. That’s junior high dopey shit. In the immortal words of David (Bruce) Banner (AKA: The Hulk): “Mr Mcgee, don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”
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4) Unless, you have yourself been overweight, worked it off, and kept it off, any advice you have on getting and staying trim is falling on deaf ears. And spare me the story about how you were 5 pounds overweight once. Yeah, we know. Boy do we know. It’s your all-time fav story to tell when you’re tiptoeing around the weight issue with that oh-so-transparent compassion of yours. Do everyone a favor and give it a rest fer fock’ssake.
5) If I tell you I am going on a diet or starting up a rigorous training program, wipe that smug look off your scrawny ass face and humor me, you know just like I humor you when you talk about all those big dreams you don’t have half the ambition to accomplish. Yes, I get it. I sound like a broken record. Well, so do you. So does everyone about some point or other. Get over it. Listening to your loved ones wallow in self-doubt as they attempt to conquer their demons is what life is all about. So try to be supportive for once in your sad, little, inconsequential life.
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